cambodia.. ??

ok so obviously my head still isn't in the right place.. but this could be brilliant. and whatever, i know i'm odd enough to do it. for real. anyswayz about 12 years ago NASA developed technology that allows them to see what's on the ground in dense jungle. apparently there was a temple in cambodia that's 1 square mile.. that was completely undiscovered til recently. only a handful of people in the modern world have been there. my friend jeremy discovered this story from an author he met at a booksigning last week. the author was one of the first people to go there. along with this british archeologist. they had to bribe officials.. hire a military escort.. the whole kuhbooodle. there's a huge ammt of unrest in cambodia between 2 warring factions. and kidnapping has become a viable business there. however that's just the downside. the upside is.. HOLYCRAPWHATACOOLTRIP. it'd be less glorious than indiana jones.. but who in the world could say they went on a trip like that. . . . and it's not that expensive. so basically i'm in at the moment. now knowing me there is a decent chance i'll get kidnapped but that's a small price to pay to do something as epic as this. i theenk. hopefully myddw won't have a post about how i got sold into sex slavery in the far east 2 years from now.

rebel without a cause.. or maybe WITH a cause.

SO i spent new years and the following week after with denna. if you don't know denna.. she's been the girl i've been like.. love is the wrong word.. but w/e in love with for the past 8 months.. NYE she ends up flirting with me all night.. we have a blast.. everything goes great.. all the time we spent was just fun.. then the following weekend we goto austin tx and party it up there. we have a great time.. all our friends are like.. pushing us at one another.. etcetcetc.. she rides home with one of my best friends.. and explains to him that she'd never ever date me. that i'm ugly. too hyper. embarrassing to be around. etcetcetc.. there were a few more but i can't remember them at the moment. now apparently i thought we got along great.. and after like every single inside joke and every single smile and laugh.. that things were actually maybe gonna happen maybe. apparently she'd written me off months ago and sticks to her decisions. now i know i'm not exactly easy to keep up with.. especially when i get excited.. so i don't have any hateful feelings towards her. i still like her obviously. but i had to have the "TALK" with her. so i call her up 2 nights ago.. and she just ignores my fone call. doesn't call back. no text. no nothing. so.. i'm like.. ugh.. akward. now in a situation like this.. i would usually just let her go completely. talk to her whenever she talks to me.. but never instigate anything at all with her.. and MOST DEFINITELY NEVER SHARE ANYTHING SENTIMENTAL with her. music, songs, ideas, thoughts, plans, experiences.. etcetc.. so basically just treat her as fake as possible... let her think we're best friends but i'd be completely fake with her. completely. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand if you know me u know how awesome i am at that. that's how i win. to let them think everything is amazing.. but never let them in on any of the meaningful things that goes on in my head. i share that with people i love. so the girl ends up getting a completely superficial relationship out of it and ends up missing all the other crap that it used to be like.. but cant ever bring it up because i still act like nothing is wrong. it's such a brilliant victory.

but i decided since i actually care about this girl.. i had to grow up.. and actually let her know what was up. so since she has a dread of the fone... i messaged her on google chat.. here's how it went:

she was very short with her responses.. said that ppl can still be good friends.. etcetc then said something to the effect that she's losing her best friend and it's not her fault. etcetc..

and all i said was can't be close friends no more. you don't get no special anythang. so hopefully you enjoy your life without being a part of all my special ideas and thoughts. also said that if she changed her mind.. i'd be around. but the with the way she attracts guys.. she'll be fine. i'll be forgotten quick. then she said she had to go and get stuff done.. and remained on fb for the next 30 minutes. so basically she didn't have hardly anything to say whatsoever.. and was rediculously short with me. so i doubt it made her upset whatsoever. so the last 8 or 9 months were rediculously more special to me than her.. but then again if u know me .. that's not hard to understand.

SO- the long pre-story as to why i'm going to get arrested tonight.

yesterday my friend let me know bout all the bad things she thought about me.. so i decided.. why not do something i've never done? so i went to home depot and bought 6 cans of spray paint. 2 cans of flat white. 1 can of gloss red (dark red). 1 can of gloss dark blue. 1 can of dark gloss green. 2 cans of gloss white. then i spent the next 2 hours driving around town to find bridges to graffiti. now i've never even painted anything before. let alone spraypainted anything before. so the chances are this is gonna come out AWFUL. i don't really have an idea of what i'm gonna paint. all i know is i feel like something HAS to come out of me. 9 mos of absolute heart wrenching destruction.. to a finale of paint and adrenaline. i thought it fitting because kelsey is an amazing painter. So now to pick the place.. i decided that i didn't want to paint in the ghetto.. that'd be too ez.. so let's go the rich part of town.. and bring the ghetto to the white people. also more cops in that area so the adrenaline should be amazing. i've got a playlist on itunes set up with all my old favorite gangsta rap tracks to listen to. a completely blacked out all ninja outfit. a place to park my car and walk to the bridge.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand an awesome alibi for why i'm ''walking'' to walmart. i hope that after i'm done i feel released.. and satisfied.. and ready to move on. if i do get arrested.. i've got 1000 bucks cash in my drawer where the car keys are. so i should be able to get bailed out easily tommorow if things go awry. i'll be nervous tonight.. but it'll be werth it i theenk. myddw.

as i ride the wings of failure

ok this is even more pathetic to admit.. but i hit some extreme lows in life lately.. even to the point where i forgot how to log in to this blog.. but.. extreme emotional pressure has sparked my memory.. and now i'm back. and full of failure to report. now.. as i ride the wings of failure.. i shall recap some of the weird events that have happened to me recently. in brief summation. if i can possibly do that.

Dinner with a Retard-

so i'm the middle of no where west virginia a few weeks ago.. and there's nothing open past 9 there except an applebees.. so i stroll in and sit at the bar. doesn't take long for me to notice errethang around me.. and i glance upon this younger man dressed in skinny red sweat pants .. a pearl snap dress shirt.. and a hunting fur cap. now usually i dig hipster style.. and either this kid was hipster to the nth degree.. or someone with downs. happens to be he was the latter. anyways.. i'm sittin at the bar and behind me is a table full of doosh. folded bill caps.. sweater vest northface thingy's.. etcetc.. anyways the retard is being kinda loud and saying some off the wall stuff.. and apparently the bullys were getting a huge kick out of it. they start mocking him.. openly asking him retarded questions.. just being total dooooooooooshes. SO. me being me decided it was a great time to become friends with this retard.. and defend him against the onslaught.. that girl i absolutely totally fell for recently was still on my head constantly.. and she basically doesn't like me at all.. so honestly i was real prickly anyswayz at this point. wouldn't have minded a lil confrontation. i grab my beer and walk over to the retards table and ask to sit down with him. we then get into about a 12 minute arguement over whether or not jar jar binks should have been in star wars or not.. my food comes.. i try to talk about something else.. really attempting to treat this kid well and respectfully. cuz mainly i hated those dooshes behind me and was just waiting for them to say something. after about 2 minutes.. the retard gets bored of ME. starts IGNORING ME. then gets up.. wishes everyone safe travels home from the bar.. and not to get kidnapped by alligators. SO NOW I'M ALONE. and the only thought that runs through my head is.. if i can't even keep a down syndrome retard from west virginia entertained.. how the fun could i ever make denna like me back?? this was a low for me. a real low. myddw.